'Mild' Life - in every way.!

CAUTION - Its a LONG one...do not begin to read between work and then curse me!

I have been pouting since a lot of days now…!

Work too is biting at me with full vengeance. Reminds me of the NIIT days/evenings/nights spent submerged in work and nothingness. But there were still smoke breaks to look forward to. Although, hardly anything was spoken in the breaks, they were good. Even smoking deceives me now…! I can’t smoke! Brain cells slow down and the legs get wobbly! And I suddenly feel a hundred years old. I should be thankful for this, I know. But have I ever appreciated anything good when I am supposed to? It has always been ‘not learning in spite of the hard-way’.

(See…??, that’s how I am these days…whiny…and full of morbidity! )

So, here is something less morbid but equally depressing (for me)-

A couple of weeks back, went to Tholpetty wild life sanctuary with (so called) family.

Yep, the only thing that could turn out adventurous turned out like this-

Woke up really early (5 am)….it kills me to wake up so early….please forgive me if I have I have ranted about this on many occasions in the past…but waking someone up from sleep is one of the most unkind… brutal things in my scriptures! Also, ‘Sloth’ is one of my favorite sins.

Khair, I woke up rubbing eyes and thinking ‘wild-animals, y’all better be worth this’! Threw on some clothes and reached the sanctuary with oodles of sleep my eyes and a disinterested look on my face.

I have been to some other safaris and sanctuaries before. I think the best way to know what is in store for u is to look at the mode of transport which will take u through the supposedly ‘dangerous territory’. And I have seen various kinds, big buses which have wire mesh on the windows, closed jeeps etc. Here they had open Mahindra jeeps. First sign of the wild animals-but not really- we were about to behold.
The safari rules said- A guide is mandatory. ‘Okay’, I said and thought ‘Guide?? Will he introduce us to the animals or the forest? And where is the place for him?’
Later learnt he spoke only Malyalam.

‘No yiglish and Yindi madam, wonly Malyalam’ we were told very proudly.
“ahem?, so whats the point in taking him along?’ I told the guy selling the tickets/passes.
‘Compulsory madam’
‘Oh! Is he like a body guard?’ I asked to be sure about his role in the already cramped jeep.
‘No guard madam’
‘So, what will he do? We don’t speak malyalam.’ I argued
‘Compulsory madam’
On a normal day, I would have rolled my eyes at this but I was too groggy to do that.

Six people cramped up in the jeep. The driver started the engine and it roared like hell. And I lost all hope of seeing anything remotely WILD. We started on a ‘kuchha road’ amidst a ‘foresty’place. ‘At least, the setting is real’, I thought.

Hoping the driver would know English/Hindi and to keep myself from dozing off, I asked the driver ‘Tumne kaunsa animals dekha hai abhi tak safari mein?’
“Elephant, tiger, bison, deer madam” very promptly he replied.

‘Phew! He knows hindi!’ I thought

‘Tiger kab dekha tha?’ I ask all anxious.

“Elephant, tiger, bison, deer madam” he repeated very confidently.

There u go! He ONLY knows the words ‘Elephant, tiger, bison, deer’. Damn!
I decided to be quiet after that.

For almost 15 minutes, we drove silently, craning our necks and straining our eyes really hard to look for ‘Elephant/tiger/bison/deer’.

The driver just drove on and it felt more like a ride through a park on a slushy road than a safari.
Then, almost after 20 long mins, the driver stopped the jeep and very dramatically pointed on the right.

‘look look saaar’

All our ‘saars’ turned right and we scrambled and shuffled in our seat, I even got the camera ready….

‘what is it?’
‘Kya hai?’
‘kahan?’
Five of us said at the same time.

“Wild chicken saar’ he said very excitedly.

A dark brown rooster passed the jeep nonchalantly. It was funny and disappointing at the same time. I wanted to bang the camera on his head.
There was an almost unsaid ‘oh THAT?’ in the air for sometime.

Then, he drove on and showed some ‘wild squirrels’ and ‘wild birds’ for the next 10 minutes. I had handed over the camera to another member in the jeep in total despair.

Finally, after seeing some monkeys, and other such NOT-wild animals, he once more with all possible drama stopped the jeep and pointed left.
This time he didn’t say anything. Maybe he was not sure if this would be ‘wild enough’ for us.
Most of us could not understand what he was pointing at. Then, I noticed a pair of the stag horns, huge and majestic glinting from behind the leaves of a bush.

'oh! A STAG!’ i said aloud.

Before, anyone else could see it, the stag immediately disappeared behind the bushes.

Immediately, the driver turned around with a finger on his lips gesturing me to be quiet.
‘shhhhhhh….madam’ he whispered.

I wanted to give him a whack again. ‘What are u shushing ME for? What abt all the roaring sounds ur jeep is making, u MORON!’ I wanted to tell him.

4 pairs of complaining eyes looked at me like ‘hmph! All because of u’

The driver voiced it aloud ‘Madam shouting.’

I mentally whacked him real hard!

Then, we went on for some more time. He occasionally stopped to talk to other such jeep drivers who were returning from the so called safari. I searched the faces of the passesngers for any kind of wild excitement that said ‘WO….i cant believe i saw a tiger….’. But instead they all looked back at us in the same quizzical way.

I think I heard ‘ally-phant’ from one of the drivers and then we all started looking for an elephant as the last hope because the safari would soon end. It was already 35 minutes in jeep with nothing whatsoever to remember the safari by.

I gave up all the leftovers of hope when I saw a three unarmed scrawny men passing by as if the safari was in their way to the bazaar.

Just before the last kilometer, the driver beamed and said “ally-fant” and stopped the jeep.
No one was anxious anymore but still we looked around and as usual there wasn’t anything around.

Then, he pointed to the ground and repeated, ‘ally-fant, ally-fant’

‘What now?? Is ‘elephant’ also a name of a worm in Kerala?’ I thought fuming inside.

But it turned out to be even better….

A hot steaming pile of elephant shit was lying on the grass.

**click** I heard some one click a picture.

So, as they say….. SHIT HAPPENS!