'DO' bandarr GHAR ke andar!!

When I just about brag about anything, I get ‘one tight slap’ from the almighty! So, a few days ago.. i had this conversation with mom over the phone:

Mom: hope u are not scared all alone in the house…vimal comes very late
Me: Short laugh ( something to the effect of ‘are u kidding me?’) No maa, am not scared… what scared ..scared of what?? u know I don’t get scared and all… what bakwaas??
(I have always been their ‘boy’ and I really don’t get spooky scared or generally girlie scared .. am used to being on my own and stuff…or so I thought)

Mom: No bachha.. still ..keep the doors and windows closed at all times..there…
Me (cutting her short as usual) : Kyaaa..?? mamma..!! haan haan theek hai.

Cut to… three days later:

I was sitting in my room watching TV (which is generally at a loud volume… very unlike me… but it gives me a feeling of NOT being alone…in which ever room I am..) In this house, I keep hearing noises from other people’s balconies.. which are a lil close.. general noises ..wailing kids… banging of doors… ‘bartans’ clanging on the floor….. and foot thumps frm the floor above… and it all always sounds like its happening in your own goddamn house.. either this place is too quiet or the neighboring houses too close… so I hear all of the above noises and turn up the volume. After a while, I hear a very crystal clear noise of a toffee wrapper ..very close… too close to ignore…! So, I rush to the living room and find a MONKEY..nicely on two legs teraring away the wrapper of a mint toffee …. My first reaction… I scream…. ( ridiculous!) I take a step forward trying to ‘shush’ him away.. and in turn he shushes me like hell… baring his teeth and the works…! So … shit scared, I lock myself in the bedroom. Half mortified and half ashamed of being scared to death of a goddamn ‘monkey’..!! ( ok..yeah.. laugh your head off… wait until u see a monkey growling in your face.. its no where close to funny..! huh!)
So, I call up vimal, and he also finds is funny .. but doesnt get a pleasant reaction from the terrified to the bones me and he gags his laugh and assures me that he will be there shortly..coz he had the keys to the main door….. So me numb with shame and disappointment of feeling fear in a long time ,I wait locked up in the room… thinking the monkey also must be laughing his head of too..! So, there was me sitting inside… hearing him create a ruckus in the kitchen. After 20 agonising minutes of hearing the Bandar rampage my kitchen.. vimal arrives with the security guards of the building… I finally open the bedroom door… still a lil shamefaced. But the monkeys have done their ‘monkey business’ and left ( there were two). My whole kitchen is in a mess.. they seemed to have hunted all possible edible things… and torn open all packs of ‘namkeen’, chips, biscuits… assholes!! Was my fault…left the kitchen door invitingly ajar!!

Guess, out of all the edible goodies ( including the cooked food on the dining table), did those bandars choose to take with ‘em?? Maggi and mints..!! my two all time favorite things ..hehe… I think I am a Bandarr after all!!

Till next time!

PS: on a more serious note, a few days back I saw a documentary on Nat Geo. Showing the increasing monkey menace in some cities of India. Monkeys in the urban cities are more aggressive, most probably tired of humans shushing and resolving to beating ‘em with laathis sticks to shoo ‘em away. So their first reaction to any human threat is to fight back instead of scampering away. The fighting back is usually.. scratching or even biting.. and monkey bites are most often poisonous and take longer to heal than other animal bites such as dog bites or cat bites..!!

and the award goes to.....

(Okay...am back..... whatever...... i shud be given an award of the most fickleminded person of the decade.... or century... whatevaaa')

And also i think i can enter the Guiness book of world record for sending my resume to maximum number of ppl in such a short duration... and i shud also be awarded for changing 7 jobs in 7 years..! Another one for mabe having most number of relationships gone haywire ..... there are lots actually....and thats the only way i think i can ever be famous ...

However... as i add another 'offer letter' to the pile of offer letters from the past... the whole of my 8 years of working life flashes before my eyes... Aptech, NIIT ( education).. Army Public School, Convergys, Jet Airways, NIIT (KSB)..and now Edutech Dimensions..( i dont like the name....at all!!) I am not at all excited as i was when i got the rest... it no more feels like a sense of accomplishment. I am sick of the rounds of interviews and tests and all the stupid formalities around it...like filling up a zillion forms where they ask you about your blood group and most recent illness and all that crap around it.
But whenever i go for an interview with a 'I dont care a screw about your company' mind... i am pleasingly offerred the job ....very mysterious, i must say!... Maybe i am at my best when i am grumpy!! who knows!
this time too the same happened... and thank god almighty there were no written tests... so i met the general manager of the company directly ( who was by the way an astonishingly beautiful and graceful old lady with an even more beautiful smile!) I dont know but somehow that astounding lil smile never left her face even once during the half an hour interview i had with her.. and there was something very irritating about that smile...or maybe i was irritated by the questions... same ol' crappy questions...here are some i hate :

• How do u see urself 5 yrs frm now?

( i see myself as a whore for all u care!)

• tell me about the most important thing u learnt from the previous job

( i learnt how to smoke.. yes thats the most important thing i learnt...next question please!)

• oh... u seem to be changing jobs very often....( and believe it or not this comes after u tell them why u had to change so many jobs..)

( coz i get bored with the same set of sick faces around me after one year...so most likely i will quit your company also ASAP!)

• ok tell me... why our company?? why not xyz or abc??

(obviously because i havent yet recvd a call from them yet.../ obviously because they are smarter than u guys are, they dont want morons like me!!)

• Do you get stressed very often?

( duh uh!)

and the list can go on...

Makes me want to throw up... but coz i badly need a job i give very politically correct answers and sail through... ( i shud also be awarded for spinning maximum amount of crappy answers which are nothing but a bunch of polite lies!)
so after this exchange of cliche questions and lie infested answers... the lady smiles and offers me her hand to congratulate me for selection for the job!

Phew... oh god how many more to go???