Nothing lasts forever..

So, I came back from Madras and I don’t have much to say – except:


With no acknowledgement whatsoever of my overt enthusiasm to stay with MC, he instead ended the trip with going into his shell and telling me that it is because he is ‘trying to find himself’. The last time he told me this, he pretty much meant that I keep out of his life till he lets me in again. Then, I had barged in anyway. But this time, I am doing precisely that ‘keeping out’.


It is not very pleasant experience – but I am doing it anyway. Who knows by keeping 'out’, I might just look ‘in’ and find out more about ‘my' own self.


Till recently, I interpreted ‘finding myself’ with trying out different stuff to keep the mind busy with social and physical activity and such - but (may be a bit too late), I can clearly see that it is in fact ‘losing yourself’ so that you do not get time to stop and ponder about all the defects your life has/had.

This time I find it more comforting to stop all activity and become a recluse. There are, in my opinion, two types of recluses - an obvious recluse (ORs) and a discreet recluse (DRs).


The ORs are the people who decline social events/parties with a sullen ‘no, I don’t feel like’ or worse who put up a Facebook status messages that imply ‘I am upset - please ask me why and maybe seeking attention this way will help me kill my blues.’


On the other hand, the DRs (as you would have guessed) are the exact opposites – they go on about life but slowly drop out the social parts so that their vanishing act from the social circles is not so apparent and yet they get to spend time alone in their comfortable cocoon.

Example:

Friend – Hey, lets go for a coffee!

DR – ‘oh, shucks I am meeting a school friend. Next Friday?”


Needless to say, the 'next Friday' never comes and friends are never really persistent (at least mine).


I thought I could never be the discreet recluse but once you have enjoyed it – it is almost addictive. Just like tasting wine - swirl, sniff, sip, swish and smile(for the lack of a better analogy). So, yes, partly, maybe I can understand MC’s obsession with it.


However, in all of this introspection and dry-cleaning of the soul and mind, my poor body suffers. I stop all physical activity (yes, including the strength training with MPT) - the hash runs and everything else. This is very sad considering I bought my self a bicycle just before I left for Madras.


I think I need to compartmentalise my head too. I need to create a physical fitness compartment that doesn’t let anything interfere with it. See! Right here – I just found out something that I need to do. It may not be an answer to something as big as ‘what is the purpose of my life?” but maybe this is how one-by-one we deconstruct our heads in a quest to find ourselves.


Till next time...


PS: Mum and dad leave for Delhi after 2 days. They stayed with me for almost 3 months. (just to qualify the title of this post.)