Yoga(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh!)

After I just about managed to be an average student at the aerobics class, (which translates to…'I looked only half as stupid flaying arms'), my instructor decided to switch to Yoga!!
Although I was disappointed, I must confess I was also a lil relieved because my 'ever-so-stupid brain' thought Yoga was going to be easy (haah!).

So, here is me at the Yoga class:

(Pre req- U must be familiar with atleast the basic ‘aasanas’. Its too much of a pain to explain ‘padmasana as ‘when u sit cross legged, with heels placed on the thighs..i mean left on the right..and right on the left…facing up..the heels..not the thighs’…( u see my point?)

So, the class begins with sitting in ‘vajra aasana’ (ok..this one time I shall explain because I also was clueless abt this!)
Vajra Aasana is simply when you fold ur knees and sit on your heels.

However…..this is where it all begins (YES, right at the beginning!)
I cannot sit on my heels!

This was a matter of great surprise for the rest in the class…

Instructor- Its easy, just try…
Me – (embarrassed and mumbling..) umm…yeah..
Cant do it..
Instructor- (demonstrates) See…like this…just place your bum on ur heels.
Me- (increasingly becoming self aware)- yeah..i just cant…my ankles hurt..(hurt was an understatement!)

Rest of the class- (getting restless and more surprised like
‘how can someone not get this right?’
and therefore..one by one all get up and come to see why I can’t place my bum on the heels. In no time, I have a small crowd staring at my bum. This leads to discussion on big bums…(!!!) I shift uneasily in the psuedo-vajra aasana pose ...but now, everybody is blissfully busy chatting and are unaware how hard I am trying to place my bum on the heels. Then, i almost get a muscle pull and let out a muffled scream…! This distracts the 'ladeej log' to breakaway from the 'mini kitty party' and go back to yoga)

Instructor- Please..everyone…lets begin the session….Pallavi..u can sit cross legged for now.

Me- (visibly relieved)- OK!

Instructor- (curtly) – only for today!

Me- (meekly) oh..ok.

We do a few breathing exercises and at this point I must also confess that I am as bad at meditation as probably I am with arithmetic! Also, the instructor keeps saying ‘innnnnnnnnnnn..hayyyy..l’…’eggggggssssssss..hay….l’…repeatedly.
I completely understand this is her ‘method’ to make the students ‘inhale’ and ‘exhale’ right…but its very distracting in a giggly sort of way.
Also, I have no clue what to do in the time between ‘innn...hay..l’ and ‘eggs..hay..l’…and instead of asking this stupid question to the instructor.. I hold my breath, which i think is reeely uncomfortable.

I manage to pull through…but then my instructor decides to test us on our ‘power-to-hold-well-under-torture’.
In the middle of an exercise, she suddenly says,
‘now hold this posture for sometime’…
and then goes out of the room….!

Most of the time, these ‘postures’ will be when u are struggling mind body and soul not to pass out with pain twisting your body at highly unnatural angles.

Just to give u an idea….
Instructor- Place ur feet apart at shoulder length …bend on the left so that ur palm touches the ground
Me- (no way!)
Instructor- (not bothered)…raise ur right arm in the air...
Me- (grunt)
Instructor- ....and turn ur head so that u can see ur hand....
(the one in the air, that is!)
Me- (internal screaming)
Instructor- ....now hold it there..and concentrate on your ‘breathing’....
Me- (internal screaming + thinking….if I continue for even a second more…I will ‘breathe’ no more)
Instructor- (comes by my side)- ...DON'T bend your knees…
Me- (@&)$#&$(&&(*&(*&**(%^%*&&)

Such torture goes on in various forms…till I am completely assured of the sub-zero level of flexibility in my body or maybe you can say I am ‘flexibly challenged’.

Next comes the ‘praanayaam' and I am relaxed because I think…how hard can be 'breathing while u are seated'?
But as always, I am wrong….because u have to be meditative to ‘reap the benefits’ (as my instructor says). This time she doesn’t tell us to ‘innn..hay..l’ and ‘egggs..hay..l’..rather …

Instructor – stop all your thoughts…
Me- (yeah sure! .. and automatically start think about really weird stuff…which I would normally would not..like ‘I think I should take my nose-ring off…its going out of fashion’)
Instructor- (continues) …turn the mind inwards....
Me- (..and how?)
Instructor- .....relax and pay attention to your breathing...
Me– (‘What’ about breathing should I really pay attention to?)

Then, we do some ‘Om’ chanting and then she ends the session with-

...now feel the soooooothing vibrations of ‘Om’ in your whole body…

Sure my body is feeling the vibrations, but of a different kind…..its shaking like a leaf from all the strain…
I walk back home very disheartened with completely new set of muscles aching!

And I am thinking…next day is the body toning class….where my instructor unknowingly takes 'vulgarity' to a different level…..what else would you call bunch of flab-abs doing butt-clenches to.....


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